Every Stumble and Each Misfire
by protectthesandwich
Summary: Lily jumped up and turned around. And there he was. There were four reasons Lily had started avoiding parties, and the first was standing and staring right at her. Fuck, this this was the reason Lily hadn't been out in the last five months. Because James Potter always seemed to be there. - Lily and James aren't together. Not anymore. A non-magic, modern age AU


_(What's going to be left of the world if you're not in it?)_

* * *

There was just _something_ about parties. Maybe it was the late nights or the dancing or (more likely) the alcohol, but as soon as a gathering of people was labelled a 'party' it was like everyone got caught up in an indescribable frenzy.

There was something about parties that drove Lily round the bend.

Through the haze Lily could make out Marlene dancing with some boy that looked like trouble, giving him the eye in a blatant way that she wouldn't if this were a normal situation. But it was a _party_ , and that meant Marlene had probably had more than a few drinks, and the music and atmosphere was affecting her common sense.

That new Nicki Minaj song started, the beat vibrating through Lily's body, and the living room swelled with people struggling to find room. Alice rushed past Lily and grabbed Marlene's hands. Giggling they began the crazy dance they made up a few years ago that mostly involved jumping and high-fiving.

Lily sighed and leant against the rough wall, content to just watch her two best friends enjoy themselves. Maybe this was the reason for her dislike of parties, she found it nearly impossible to dance with people watching her. She'd tried closing her eyes, getting drunk, requesting her favourite songs, but she could never manage more than some swaying and vague hand movements.

Alice thought it was because her mother was a (failed) ballerina, that dancing _meant_ something to Lily that it didn't to most. Marlene thought it was because Lily was a shit dancer.

Lost in thought, Lily didn't notice Frank join her leaning against the wall. He mouthed something that got lost in the heavy beat and Lily gestured to her ear.

'I got you another lemonade!' Frank yelled in her ear and handed her the bottle. Alice's boyfriend specialised in being quietly thoughtful. (Every inch of the birthday card was used, washing up was done without being asked and he had once driven across town to fetch Marlene's favourite eyeliner). It was a good balance for Alice's extravagant grand gestures, mused Lily as she thanked him.

They leant in silence for a few minutes, observing the proceedings. Marlene was now snogging a blonde, whilst Alice appeared to be launching into the sprinkler.

Frank shook his head, smiling. 'She really is something else.'

A young red-headed guy, clearly unable to hold his alcohol, practically fell on top of Lily, forcing her even closer to Frank. Someone who was presumably the bloke's brother pulled him away, but their apologises were undermined by their shared laughter.

'Bloody Weasley's,' Frank said disdainfully, 'they always manage to crash these things.'

Streams of people continued to push into them now that Lily's spot was no longer established. That was another thing Lily disliked about parties, the lack of personal space. When the venue was too small for the guest list Lily felt like she went hours without taking a breath.

Someone changed the song halfway through _Hey Ya_ to _Don't Stop Believing_ and in the half a second between the switch, Lily was slightly overwhelmed by the general chatter and, perhaps more disturbingly, the smell of sweat and a hint of urine. Alice gestured wildly at Frank to come over, who shot an apologetic glance at Lily.

'It's okay!' Lily yelled, 'I'll catch up with you later.'

Frank shrugged and made his way over, Alice wrapped her arms around his neck and they began to sway. Lily blew her fringe away from her forehead, it was absolutely _roasting_ in here. With a quick look to Marlene to check she was okay, Lily weaved her way through the crowd in the kitchen out on to the tiny balcony.

Ben Fenwick, whose party it was, frequently said he had rented his flat because of the balcony. It was a little grotty and there was only room for two rickety chairs but the view over London was spectacular. Lily sank into a chair gratefully, and wondered if she'd be able to make out her flat from here. Lily had grown up in a miniscule village up north, and even after all these years the lights of London took her breath away.

Someone from inside the kitchen slammed the door shut, and the music and chatter immediately muffled. Lily breathed deeply; there was nothing quite like being by yourself at a party. She didn't dislike it per say, she was used to it. But it was very isolating in a way Lily didn't often experience. Lily checked her watch and sipped her lemonade. She did usually drink more than this, it helped her relax, but she and Marlene had to get the bus home tonight and doing that anything less than sober was asking for disaster.

Inside the flat something crashed and the lights changed colour. If they weren't careful, Ben was going to get another noise complaint, the end of exams be damned. Lily shivered, the temperature difference between the living room and outside had taken her by surprise. She was about to nip back inside for her cardigan when the door crashed open.

Lily jumped up and turned around.

And there he was.

There were four reasons Lily had started avoiding parties, and the first was standing and staring right at her. And worse, oh God, Lily's stomach revolted, and worse he had his hand up the back of some girl's shirt.

Fuck, this _this_ was the reason Lily hadn't been to a party in the last five months. Because James Potter always seemed to be there.

'Fuck, Evans.' He muttered, running his free hand through his hair, 'Just my luck.'

There was an uncomfortable pause that seemed to go on an eternity, in which Lily fought the urge to be sick and James removed his hand.

'I didn't think you'd be here,' Lily eventually managed to get out, 'The day after exams finish you usually go out with your mates.'

'Benjy said he'd stop emailing us cat videos if we came,' James explained, grimacing like he was regretting his decision completely. He wouldn't stop staring at her so Lily looked out past him instead, studying the window into the kitchen and wishing she were there.

The girl he was with coughed awkwardly, looking between the two of them. 'James, I'm going to go,' she murmured and he didn't argue.

'Sorry about-' Lily gestured to the girl's retreating back.

'It's fine,' said James shortly, 'It wasn't a big thing.'

'Oh.'

James moved towards the chairs, 'Do you want to sit?'

'P-James. I'm not sure if this is a great idea.'

'Evans.' James looked at her. 'I haven't seen you in five months. I'd appreciate it if you sat down.'

James sounded so different, stiff and cold. Lily didn't blame him, she just missed the days when he couldn't go five minutes without trying to make her laugh.

They sat down. The beat from the music was in time with Lily's heart.

'How have you been doing?' asked Lily tentatively.

The lights of London seemed almost menacing now, like a warped spotlight.

'I've changed my mind; I don't think I can do this.' James messed up his hair again, a nervous tick that Lily felt a surge of affection for.

'Look,' Lily said determined, 'I don't think I got the chance to say this properly, but I really am _so_ sorry.'

'Let me get this straight.' James' voice hardened in that way it did when he was angry. A helicopter flew on overhead and he raised his voice to the point where he was on the verge of shouting. 'You're _sorry_ for breaking up with me. After I told you I loved you, an hour into the birthday party that I organised for you and three days before my dad had a heart attack!'

'Oh, God.' A hand flew to Lily's mouth. 'I had no idea about your dad! Is he okay? Are you okay?'

'Yeah. Yeah, he'll be alright.'

'I _am_ sorry. Not for breaking up with you-'

James let out a bitter laugh.

'But for the way I did it. I freaked, and I'm sorry. And I'm sorry if that's not enough for you.'

'Yeah okay.' James stood. 'You know, I've spent the last five months incessantly wondering about you, hoping you're okay, worrying about you. And now I get you alone, I find I don't actually care. I guess Sirius is right. I am over you.'

Lily was expecting her heart to break again, but not to shatter, to explode, fragments burying in her stomach and throat.

'Bye, Evans.'

He left, and his flat tone hurt almost as much as his words.

Lily blinked back tears and tried to control her breathing.

She fucking hated parties.

* * *

The morning after was, well, the morning after. Marlene was pale and drawn, cursing everything that made any noise. Lily, like the _amazing_ friend she was, was frying her some eggs whilst they waited for Alice to get home from Frank's.

'Never, ever, let me drink tequila again,' said Marlene, 'I'm serious Lily, it is the root of all my problems.'

'I thought that was Schnapps.'

'That too.' Marlene groaned into her hand. 'I just remembered the name of that guy. Quentin. How pretentious! Without tequila, I swear I would never-'

'Morning all!' Alice breezed in, seemingly unaffected from last night's events. 'I got Danish's. Have fun last night Mar? I feel _so_ refreshed this morning.'

'Why are you like this?' Marlene demanded. 'Why am I friends with you?'

'Don't blame me for being a lightweight, or for having bad taste in guys.'

Alice flung the Danish's towards her and hopped onto the table.

'I reckon it's only because it's been too long,' Marlene considered, happier with a pastry in her hand, 'We haven't been to a full blown rager in ages. Ever since, well, you know.'

'Speaking of,' Alice chimed in gently, 'I think I saw Siri-Black yesterday. Snogging Lacey Chambers in the loo.'

'Do you reckon-' Marlene started but was cut off by Lily plonking a plate full of eggs in front of her.

'James was there,' said Lily, and then added, quieter, 'We talked a little.'

'Oh.' Said Alice and Marlene together, exchanging looks. 'How did it go?'

' _Funnily_ enough, not great. He basically said he was over me, hates me and wants me to die a fiery death.'

'Lily, come on,' sighed Alice, 'That can't be true.'

'Yeah, I didn't think James would ever be over you,' smirked Marlene.

Alice shot her a look. 'I know this is hard Lils,' she said hesitantly, 'and for the record I think this has gone on long enough. But you can't really blame him for trying to get over you.'

'You broke up with him. After he said he loved you, during your birthday party, sorry _gathering_ , with all of his friends there,' added Marlene helpfully.

'Marlene!' Alice cried.

'It's the truth!'

'That doesn't mean you need to rub it in! Honestly, you can be _so_ insensitive, especially when you're hungover.'

'Well then you should avoid sensitive topics when I'm hungover!'

Lily ignored their bickering, and helped herself to an apple turnover. The worst thing was Marlene was right. It unsettled her, being the one in the wrong. Usually Lily took care to end her relationships gracefully and courteously. But blurting that she didn't love James in front of their friends was one of the worst things she'd done. Although his words had stung last night, she couldn't say she didn't deserve it.

'Lily, back me up here!' Alice's shrieking had reached unknown decibels whilst Marlene rolled her eyes.

'I agree with Alice,' Lily said dutifully.

* * *

 _(Now you'll be missing from the photographs)_

* * *

Lily had a couple of months before her masters course in English Lit began at University, and had successfully applied for an internship at a publishing company to fill the gap. Not only would it be good experience, but it also meant she could justify not going home to face her mum or Petunia. Two weeks later, her boss was still calling her Lucy, she had photocopied infinite numbers of leaflets and was now being sent for coffee from the Costa next door. Lily gritted her teeth and reminded herself what a good opportunity this was.

And then her day just got worse.

Peter Pettigrew wasn't the sort who made a strong first impression, or second or third, especially in comparison to his best friends. Lily missed him though, like she missed all of them. She and James had moved in similar social circles, and while many had said that they thought Lily had made a mistake, none had cut her off so completely as the Marauders. It was the kind of loyalty Lily usually admired in people, and it tended to be what people remembered about Peter, the fifth time they were introduced.

It was this loyalty that Lily was sure had Peter trying very hard to ignore her, even though she was stood directly behind him in the queue to get coffee. The silence mounted, each unsaid word stacking on top of each other until Lily couldn't take it. They had been friends, good friends, and Lily deserved better than this.

'Hey. Pete.' Lily finally said, tapping his shoulder. Peter's back stiffened but he didn't respond. 'Peter.' She tried again. 'Wormtail!'

It was the nickname that got him. Like an inside secret, an unhealed bruise. The fucking Marauders, with their codenames and their devoted brotherhood. The one thing Peter couldn't ignore.

'Oh, Lily!'

'Peter.'

'I didn't see you there!' Peter squawked and Lily raised a single eyebrow. 'How-how are you?'

'Good. And you?'

'Alright.'

There was a pause, and Lily is _sick_ and _tired_ of these awkward pauses that go on and on.

'Peter, I know James hates me.'

'He doesn't-'

'But it's been six months. _Six months_. If he were over me, we should be able to get over this. We were friends for ages before, _all_ of us were. And I hate not going to parties because he might be there, every mutual friend staring at me like I committed murder. I broke up with him, and yeah, maybe it was cruel but it needed to be done. So tell Potter to text me when he stops being a child because I am _done_ with making excuses for his behaviour.'

The whole coffee shop had ground to a halt. Peter looked stunned. Lily knew it was a bit overboard but for the first time in ages she didn't feel weighed down with guilt. Lily flicked her hair over her shoulder, turned on her heel and marched to the Starbucks across the road.

* * *

When Lily told Marlene what had had happened she had insisted on celebratory margaritas in the flat's brand new blender.

'I know you felt bad, Lil, but honestly six months is long enough for anyone. I'm surprised you didn't snap earlier.'

'Agreed!' called Alice from the bathroom.

Lily sighed and sat by Marlene at the table, accepting her pint-sized drink gratefully.

'He hasn't texted me though,' she told her, 'I thought that maybe he'd actually be over himself by now.'

'It's only been, what, three hours? Give it some time.' Marlene took a long sip of her margarita and sighed. 'You know who else hasn't texted? Quentin.'

'I thought you didn't like Quentin?' inquired Lily.

'I didn't. But he could still give me the option of rejecting him, right? I still wanted him to like me.'

'Maybe he's waiting,' suggested Alice, her voice echoing.

'Fuck that,' said Marlene. 'Like I'm just hanging around waiting for him to text.'

'Isn't that what you are doing?'

'I wouldn't be if he would just text me, Alice! It's disrespectful, really. Like they've got to prove they're not _really_ into us. Like they need to make it all casual, even though you both know what they're doing. I'm telling you, let's go back to letters, at least then they'd have a valid excuse for waiting for three weeks to pay you a courtesy.'

'I'll drink to that,' said Lily raising her glass.

Alice burst out the bathroom, sporting a new pale blue sundress. 'Tada!' She twirled. 'What do you think?'

'Very nice,' said Lily appraisingly.

'Eh,' said Marlene.

'That's Marlene saying she thinks you look lovely Al.' Lily poked Marlene in the shoulder. 'Would it hurt you to say something positive for once?'

'It might do,' glowered Marlene, 'That's why I've never tried it.'

* * *

 **From: Seriously Lily Don't Call Him**

 **9:14:** Evans.

 **9:14:** Peter told me what you said.

 **9:16:** Well, I'm pretty sure he paraphrased it, but I got the gist.

 **9:25:** I'm not going to apologise if that's what you're waiting for.

 **11:23:** im not going to apologise for the balcony but

 **11:39:** but nothing

* * *

'Jesus on a pogo-stick.' Lily ducked behind a book shelf and tried to look inconspicuous. She crouched and peered through the bottom stack at the table in front of her. The guy to her left gave a couple of odd glances but Lily ignored him. There was no mistaking the dusty brown hair or unravelling jumper in front of her. Lily had first met Remus Lupin two and a half years ago in an optional talk about Oscar Wilde. Remus had been funny and engaging and intelligent and for a long time Lily had considered him one of her closest friends.

She had not seen him in six months.

They used to study at this library together, Lily complaining about Charles Dickens and Lupin drowning under law text books. Remus had presumably stopped coming here after her and James' dramatic end which Lily had taken as a small courtesy. But it appeared all rules were out the window now. Lily slid down against the bookshelves and tried to think of a sneaky exit.

'Are you okay?' asked the guy next to her. Lily gave him a tense smile and a thumbs up.

Hallway? Lift? Maybe she could launch out a window-

'Lily?'

Shit.

Lily looked up. Remus had an eyebrow cocked and he looked like he was going to laugh.

'Hi.' She said weakly. With Peter, Lily had been too fuelled by her righteous anger to nervous. Plus her height advantage had given her a confidence boost.

'Do you need a hand?' Remus asked, a kind smile still present. Lily nodded and he helped her scramble to her feet. They took a seat at the table Remus had been studying. Lily peered at the book on top of Remus' pile.

'Lily-' Remus started but she interrupted him.

' _Don't_. Just don't.' Lily twisted her hands in her lap.

'What?' asked Remus sounding amused, 'You can shout at Peter but you can't talk to me?'

'That was different,' Lily said helplessly, 'I just, I thought if I gave him time, we would be friends again. I really did. And I just got so _angry_ that he was taking that away from me. But I'm not sure of anything right now.'

'He doesn't hate you. I know what he said and he doesn't,' Remus said fiercely, all humour gone from his voice, 'Even if he wanted to. Lily, listen to me. He'll come around.'

'Thanks.' She said quietly, meaningfully.

'Sorry this took so long. I tried to give him a push, but you know what he's like.' Remus looked sheepish. 'I've really missed you these past months.'

'It's alright. The Marauder code comes first and all that.' Lily can't quite hide the hint of bitterness in her tone.

'It's not that,' Remus insisted, 'it's only-'

'It's okay. _Really_.'

'Okay. Now.' Remus leant forward on his elbows. 'What did you think of Brenner's comments on _Persuasion_?'

'Absolute sexist rubbish, Lupin, let me tell you.' Lily put her feet on the desk and smiled.

* * *

 **From: Potter**

 **18:35:** evans

 **18:35:** I don't want to make this harder than it is

 **18:37:** Im not sure what to say

 **18:42:** Do you want to get coffee and chat sometime?

* * *

Lily spent hours staring at James' last text. She wasn't sure what she wanted to say but the amount of times she nearly pressed send bordered on ridiculous. She didn't want to leave him hanging but she couldn't find the words to respond to him either. So instead the text waited, contaminating her phone, making her feel guilty whenever Lily so much as glanced at it.

After about three weeks, Lily decided that she just wasn't meant to answer it, decided that her inability to compose an answer was the universe sending her sign. Whether it was a sign that they need to talk in person or not talk at all, Lily hadn't decided yet.

August was coming to end and the heat was oppressive. She had not heard from Petunia, but she gathered the wedding was still on for early November. Marlene went out with and broke up with Julie Stevens before Lily could even meet her and together with Alice they binged watched the first four seasons of Mad Men.

Late one afternoon, the last week of her internship, with the sun starting to dip, Lily found Sirius outside her building. The first thing she did was raise her eyes questioningly to the sky, hoping the universe would have the clouds spell out what this could possibly mean.

'What are you doing, yoga exercises?' Only Sirius could manage to make leaning against a wall look so purposeful. He was wearing the same jeans and disdainful expression as always and Lily briefly wondered if he'd worn them every day since she'd last seen him.

Lily kept her gaze fixed upwards. 'Looking for that flying pig.' She replied, and cocked an eyebrow. 'You said you'd never speak to me again.'

'Well.' Sirius actually looked uncomfortable, maybe for the first time since she had known him. 'Things change.'

'Look, are you three stalking me? Because I think it's better if I get the restraining orders out of the way now. No need for the awkward court appearance, right?'

'Don't flatter yourself Evans.' Sirius took a final drag of his cigarette and then crushed it under foot. 'Look, Remus and Peter can do whatever they want but I just-' Sirius sighed in frustration. 'I just need to know. Are you going to hurt him again? Because I'll be honest, it seems like he wants another shot and never mind him, _I_ can't go through it again, I really-'

'No.' Lily cut in to his rambling. 'I'm not going to hurt him again.'

'So you're not going to meet with him?' Sirius said disbelievingly.

'I didn't say that.'

'So you're not going to get back together with him?'

'I didn't say that either, but it certainly seems unlikely.'

'Not on my end,' Sirius muttered and Lily's heart stuttered.

'Really?'

Sirius gives her a dirty look. 'Do you want to get back together?'

'No. Yes. I don't know.' Lily collapsed on the wall beside him.

'Clear,' said Sirius sarcastically.

They stood like that for a while, Sirius still guarded and Lily breaking to pieces.

'Evans. Just tell me. Why did you dump him?'

'I don't want to talk about it, Sirius.'

'Well, we're talking about it. Everything seemed fine, you were happy, he was… ecstatic. After everything you'd been through, we all thought it was sure to last. More than a few months at least.'

'That's just it.' Lily whispered. 'Everyone was expecting it to last, hell, even James was talking about being together for years and years and. I freaked. We'd been together for ten weeks. And he told me he loved me. He was picking jobs around me, he wanted to move in together. It was just, happening too fast.'

'James had been in love with you for years-'

'But I _hadn't_. For me it was still a new relationship that was suddenly very serious.' Lily swallowed and leant back against the wall. 'I know that made me the villain. And I loved James. I still – care for him. But I was just turning twenty-one. And I wasn't completely sure if James was _it_ for me.'

Sirius thankfully didn't comment and let Lily bum one of his cigarettes.

'Are you sure now?' Sirius tried to make eye contact but Lily stared at the pedestrians across the road instead. 'After seven months of being broken up. Do you know if you're ready for that relationship now?'

Lily took a drag. 'I know that I miss him. And that's enough for now.'

They stood and they smoked and they waited. Eventually, the comfortable quiet stretched out before them like their shadows in the drooping sun.

* * *

 **From: James**

 **8:56:** Lily?

* * *

 _(every minute and every hour)_

* * *

Marlene had vehemently insisted that it wasn't a party.

'Honestly it's at six in the evening, what kind of loser would have a party at-' Marlene broke off as they approached the house already spilling with people and loud thumping music.

'Frank Longbottom, apparently.' Lily said archly.

Marlene didn't have the decency to look apologetic, just grabbed Lily's wrist as they went to look for Alice. They weaved between the crowds of dancing and drunk guests, avoided getting pulled into a game of flip cup and eventually found Alice talking to Dorcas in the kitchen.

'Lily! Marlene! You came!'

Alice had evidently had a few drinks and she enthusiastically threw her arms around them.

'Honestly, Al, why didn't you call us earlier?' grumbled Marlene, 'I didn't realise the party would start so early! It's only six, what are we, fifteen?'

Dorcas smiled wryly, 'I think this is the leftovers from yesterday's party actually, turns out people are a little worried about real life beginning.'

Frank had decided to throw a 'university's officially over and we're all fucked' party and it appeared this sentiment was widely felt.

'You're alright though, aren't you Lil?' Dorcas inquired, 'when does your masters start?'

'In a couple of weeks. When are you off for Berlin?'

'Tomorrow,' Dorcas grinned, 'but I couldn't miss one last smash up, could I?'

Lily grinned back and accepted the cocktail offered to her.

'It's weird isn't it?' mused Alice, swaying just slightly, 'this might be the last time we're all in the same place.'

'Fuck that,' said Marlene roughly and raised her drink. 'To this not being the end!'

They toasted and Lily felt full to the brim with contentedness. For once she wasn't cursing Marlene for bringing her. She still wasn't going to dance, but the thought of one last night with her university mates was just what she needed. She felt oddly buzzing, like her blood was too close to the surface of her skin, full of blinding potential. The girls drank and chatted for the next hour or so, long enough that the day was thinking about getting dark and the house seemed fuller than ever.

Lily downed her drink and huffed a breath. 'Okay. I'll see you girls in a bit.'

'Don't do anything I wouldn't do,' said Marlene.

'That doesn't leave much. Don't do anything stupid,' amended Alice.

'Can't say yes to either.' Lily pulled down her skirt. 'How do I look?'

'Hot,' said Alice definitively.

'Go get it,' nodded Marlene.

Lily beamed in thanks and left the kitchen.

She should have worn her heels, thought Lily as she started scanning the rooms. Frank's house was a jigsaw with lots of smallish rooms around the edge of the large living room. She checked the bathroom, the garden, the bedrooms and then all the box rooms. Maybe he wasn't coming. Maybe he came yesterday. Maybe all of Lily's restlessness and potential was just going to be completely wasted. She thought back on Alice in the kitchen, worried this is the last party they'll ever have and it struck Lily that she didn't know what James' plans were for after the summer. He could be moving to Berlin for all she knew.

Lily peeked in the bathroom one more time and discovered an amused Remus and a drunk Sirius. Without having to ask they gestured towards the tiny sitting room across the hall.

'Good luck!' Sirius slurred as Lily thanked them quietly. Lily swallowed and quickly raised an eyebrow at Remus, _You sure?_ it questioned. _Positive_. his smile answered.

Lily opened the door. The room was tiny, room for a sofa facing the window and not much else. The fading light caught on the thousands of dust particles in the air making it shimmer. Lily was not concerned with any of that. There were a few reasons she had come to this party and the first was sitting on the threadbare sofa in front of her, gloriously alone.

'Potter.'

'Evans.' He didn't even seem surprised, like this meeting had been planned. 'Fancy seeing you here.'

Lily's buzz had faded in the half an hour she'd been searching, but she could tell she was drunker than him. She took a deep breath trying to calm down her thoughts, maybe that third rum and coke hadn't been a good idea.

'I heard you were stalking my friends.'

'Rubbish, they were stalking me.'

'Sounds like them. Heard you shouted at Wormtail.'

'That's true.' Lily conceded.

'And considered jumping out a window to avoid Remus.'

'Also true.'

'And smoked with Sirius.'

'Sirius is the biggest liar I have ever encountered.'

'So two cigarettes then?'

'Three.'

'What would your mother say?'

'Probably tell me _that's_ why I'm not married yet.'

There's a pause. And Lily has _missed_ this. The quick fire banter, the rhythm that only she and James could hear in the words.

'How's your Dad?' she asked tentatively.

'He's doing well, actually. And I know there's no way you could have actually _caused_ his heart attack, it was just-'

'Everything happening at once.'

'Yeah.'

James exhaled and leant back. Lily breathlessly watched the curve of his nose, the glint off his glasses, the light shining on his dark hair. She carefully looked away.

'You're not moving to Berlin, are you?' Her voice was painstakingly light.

'Not for the foreseeable future. You?'

'Maybe next year.'

'I got a job, actually.' James coughed and looked a little embarrassed. 'Padfoot keeps giving me rubbish about it.'

'Investment banker?'

'Hardly.'

'Lawyer?'

'Despite my parent's best efforts, still not sure they'd take me with my record.'

'Then he's got nothing to complain about.'

'I think I'm going to be a social worker.'

Of all the jobs in the world.

'Wow.'

James laughed. 'That's what everyone's said.'

'Why?'

'I just kept thinking about all the kids like Sirius and Remus, all this money I have lying around doing nothing. And I thought. Here's an opportunity to actually _do_ something.'

'I always did think you were a bit like Wendy. Mothering your lost boys.'

'Nah, I'm Peter Pan.' He hesitated. 'You were Wendy.'

It took a moment to feel steady again. 'Well, then. How does it feel to be all grown up?'

'Awful.' James looked at her; their faces were suddenly quite close together. Lily's heart began to pound. 'But there are some perks.'

'Like what?'

'Like being able to get to the damn point once in a while.'

A beat. They both breathed. The light shifted.

'Evans. Lily. You didn't return my texts.'

Lily winced. 'I didn't know what to say.'

'Bull.' His voice was very even.

'I didn't know how to say it.'

'Try.'

'I know Sirius told you why I broke up with you. And I'm sorry I couldn't tell you in person.'

'But you're still not sorry you did it.'

'I'm not sure,' said Lily softly, 'I still think it was the right move for me. For us. But-'

'Lily. Shit. Sorry. I'm interrupting, sorry, but I've just realised that I don't care. I don't care why you broke up with me, or if you would do it again. I don't care about seven months ago.' A rapid hand moved through his hair. 'I care about _now_. I've been miserable. And I miss you. I want to spend time with you again, as friends or as anything. Whatever way you'll have me, Lily. Do you want to get coffee sometime?'

Lily closed her eyes. 'I don't deserve that.'

'I don't _care,_ ' He said furiously, 'I've spent too long being bitter about your decision. But if you think it was the best one, I'm willing to trust you. I just want to – to _talk_ to you again.'

'Okay.'

'Okay? Coffee?' Lily could hear the smile in his voice. 'Friends?'

* * *

Lily felt a pang of guilt and unhappiness and longing and chose to ignore it. She put on a smile to match his. 'Friends.'

The flat was a tip. There were books in heaps everywhere; magazines lay strewn mixed with dirty clothes on the floor, dishes were piling in the sink. And there was a frantic Lily and unconcerned Marlene to top it all off.

'You know he's not actually coming _here_ , right?' said Marlene wryly, 'You're meeting him _outside_.'

Lily blew her fringe out of her eyes, and began sorting the clothes on the floor into piles.

'I know. That doesn't mean I want the flat to look like a pigsty. Who's is this?' Lily held up a worn green shirt for Marlene's assessment.

'Franks.'

Lily threw it into the 'Alice' pile.

'Out of all the days to clean the whole flat you picked today. If you were this worked up about seeing him again, why did you agree to coffee?'

'I'm just a little nervous that's all.' Lily could feel Marlene's disbelief without looking up and sighed. 'You should have seen him, Mar. Plus we were friends before we went out.'

'Yeah, friends with so much sexual tension you could have sold it in bottles. _Large bottles_.'

Lily ignored her and finished sorting through the clothes and moved onto the books. Eventually Marlene sighed and stood up to help her. They worked through cleaning the rest of the flat for the next hour or two chatting idly about Marlene's new internship and Alice's new haircut and which Prewett brother they'd rather go out with.

It was time to leave before Lily was ready for it.

'You can do this Lily,' Marlene told her slowly, 'You're going to be fine.' Marlene gently spun her around so she was facing the door. 'You are ready, young grasshopper.'

Lily nodded tensely and felt her phone buzz.

 **From: Alice is the best!**

 **14:33:** Good luck!

 **14:33:** You're going to be fine!

Lily took a deep breath and tried to stop her heart escaping her chest.

They had agreed to meet at a neutral spot about a twenty minute walk away from Lily's flat. It was a newish coffee shop in the middle of Camden which Lily liked it immediately. The walls were covered in books and the chairs were just threadbare enough to be homey. Lily was a little early so she ordered a green tea and picked a table in the corner where no-one would overhear them.

She chewed away at her lip anxiously and sipped her drink. Her eyes fell on a young couple to her left, laughing and leaning in close to talk to each other, their giddiness and affection evident even from a glance. Lily felt a sharp pain and quickly looked away.

How could they think this place was neutral? _Nowhere_ was neutral when it came to them. All the memories of studying together in coffee shops like this one overwhelmed her.

James humming under his breath as he sorted through his notes. James blearily asking if she could get him another coffee. The amount of times they were the last people to leave, never wanting it to end. _Christ_ , every time she passed a Tesco's she remembered the time he and Remus had accidently shoplifted a Toblerone and the increasingly desperate ways they tried to give the money back. Every time she saw a Mercedes she was reminded of the utter horror on his face when Sirius had driven his parent's car. She could so clearly picture the two of them making dinner, the Marauders planning elaborate tricks, James pushing his glasses to the top of his head in celebration, fuck, _everything was ruined for her_.

Lily felt her eyes prick. There was too much history, she could feel the sheer magnitude of their relationship weighing down on her all over again. Lily frantically rubbed at her eyes, she needed to get out of here. She hastily stood, nearly knocking her chair over only to find James right in front of her.

'Are you alright?' He asked, concerned.

Lily could only nod and helplessly sank back into her chair.

'Liar. What's up?'

'I'm not sure.' Lily hated how weak and watery her voice sounded. She inhaled and steeled herself. 'I don't know if this is the best idea. You and me. It was hard enough the first time.'

'Yeah.' James ducked his head, addressing his remark to his coffee. (Black with three sugars, she couldn't even forget his freaking coffee order.)

The silence gnawed at them, Lily gulped her tea and she could feel James leg bouncing up and down. He was wearing a new shirt, red cheques, and Lily wished she'd had dressed up a little more. She hadn't been able to decide what to wear and eventually had thrown on her favourite shorts and a soft t-shirt she'd had since school.

'Do you want to leave?' he asked her finally, obviously not just talking about this meeting. 'God knows I've had everyone's opinion but yours. Do you think we should just walk away?'

Lily took a moment to contemplate it. She felt a little guilty that she couldn't simply throw herself whole heartedly into this. But this wasn't agreeing to the bitter and then exhilarating antagonism of before or their comfortable friendship. They had both been hurt, they both knew what it was to live without the other. Any relationship they had now had to take that into account.

'I know I broke up with you,' Lily started, trying to gather her thoughts, 'but it broke me a little bit too. I don't _want_ to be cautious, but I'm not sure I can risk it. If it happened again…'

'Me neither. I don't know if I could go through that again.'

'So that's it then. Mutually assured destruction.'

James laughed and Lily felt warmth spread through her.

'Why don't we take it slow? One step at a time.'

Lily nodded in response and could see the hope she felt mirrored in his eyes.

They caught up, keeping to shallow topics, stepping carefully around anything that could potentially be a damaging. It didn't matter, by the end Lily was laughing delightedly at James' story of how they had stolen the university's famous statue of a Winston Churchill in the last week of term.

'It was a goodbye present!' James insisted.

'To get rid of that ugly statue?' Lily snorted.

'Exactly! Plus we replaced it in the end. Wearing Sirius' mum's underwear.'

Lily spluttered out her drink.

'How did you manage to miss this?' asked James incredulously, 'We were the talk of the town Evans!'

'Maybe you're not as gossiped about as you like to think you are,' said Lily daintily, then grinned, 'or maybe I was busy studying.'

'Studying is for losers.'

'Pot, kettle. How much planning did that prank take?'

'About thirty hours,' admitted James, 'It's not studying if it's fun Evans.'

'So you've often said.'

Lily swirled the last dregs of her second tea.

'Another?' asked James hopefully.

'I can't,' Lily said regretfully, 'I've got dinner plans with Molly and Arthur.'

'Shit. I didn't realise it was so late.'

James finished his coffee and they exited together. Lily shrugged on her cardigan, the first brisk chill of September had begun to show its teeth.

'So…' said James rocking back and forth on his heels, 'do you want to do this again sometime?'

Lily thought about her birthday party. She thought about the panic she felt when she considered how much James meant to her. She thought about the pull in her gut whenever he laughed.

'Definitely,' she smiled.

* * *

They got coffee later on that week, went out for lunch the next and then to the cinema that weekend. They began to text semi-regularly and snapchat on the off occasion. They let themselves slip hesitantly back into the old inside jokes and familiarity as both sets of friends looked on, alternatively encouraging and apprehensive. It was now that Lily's masters started to get off the ground until she found herself busier than ever with the age old familiar stress of essays and reading and grumpy seminar tutors.

Lily's began to meet Remus weekly for study meetings, and joked for hours with Peter at Mary MacDonald's birthday party. Sirius remained harder to crack, the toll his best friend's heartbreak had had on him clear. The first time he laughed at one of her jokes in seven months, Lily felt a surge of pride and optimism.

But something remained. Lily could feel it when they tiptoed around any mention of their old relationship. Whenever they passed any of their old haunts. The past was still there, lingering, shadowing every interaction. They were still so cautious over every new step and Lily despaired over the consequences of giving up a relationship as finished for seven months.

Lily was so stressed that Alice had insisted on a relaxing pamper evening to wear facemasks and watch 2005 Pride and Prejudice. Marlene was on date and therefore unavailable (she refused to reveal her date's identity but it was rumoured (by Alice) that she was giving Julie Stevens a second chance).

'You were right, Al,' called Lily leaning back on her sofa to reach for the chocolates.

'I know,' said Alice absentmindedly from the kitchen, 'Sorry, right about what?'

'I really needed this evening,' Lily admitted, closing her eyes and listened to the soothing sounds of Lizzy Bennet rejecting Mr Darcy.

'I could tell. Budge up.' Lily moved over and Alice plonked the ice cream on the coffee table before making herself comfortable on the sofa.

They made their way through the rest of the film, bickering good-naturedly over the various merits of this adaptation versus the BBC miniseries. This argument was so well-worn that Lily knew exactly what points Alice would make in which order and how to respond.

'I'm an English student Alice! I can't let this misrepresentation slide!'

'Please,' countered Alice loftily, 'like you don't love it.'

The credits began to roll before Lily could argue her next point and instead she pushed off the blankets to go make tea. It was technically a bit too warm for blankets and hot drinks, but they had opened all the windows and turned the one fan they owned on to full blast to counterbalance any lingering heat.

Lily poured the boiling water into their respective mugs: Lily's was a Christmas present from Remus reading 'Prose before Hoes' and Alice's was a green and black striped monstrosity that used to belong to her mother.

Alice accepted her mug gratefully, bringing it up to her face to blow on it.

'I think Frank is going to propose,' she said abruptly.

Lily nearly dropped her drink. 'What?'

'I found a ring the other day,' Alice explained and bit her lip. Her tone was matter-of-fact but her eyes were shining with excitement.

'That's- wow- Alice!' Lily hastily put her mug down and drew her best friend into a hug. 'That's amazing! Congratulations!'

'Thanks,' said Alice meaningfully.

'I mean, you are going to say yes, aren't you? Not that you should feel pressured-'

'No, no. I'm going to say yes.' She grinned. 'I think I knew I wanted to marry him the first time he kissed me. He was so careful, his hands wouldn't stop shaking.'

'You two are adorable,' said Lily wistfully, 'And you've weathered the last three years together.'

'Yeah. I know we're young, but it just feels _right_ , you know?'

Lily didn't know. Not really. Maybe she was on the periphery of it once, but that had slipped out her fingers.

'I'm so happy for you.' She said and she was, but her chest felt rather heavy.

'He hasn't proposed yet!' Alice laughed.

'He's probably waiting for your anniversary,' mused Lily and Alice agreed.

They drank their tea.

'I can't believe I'm old enough to have friends who are getting married.' Lily said dryly and Alice giggled, giddy.

'I can't imagine Marlene getting married until she's at least thirty-five so you're probably next.'

Lily's gut twisted, 'Not sure about that.'

'Oh, Lily, I didn't mean-'

'No it's fine,' Lily insisted and then paused. She knew Alice wouldn't call her out if she changed the subject and Lily felt she could be more honest here, in the safety of this moment than she would tomorrow.

'Do you think I made a mistake?' she asked finally.

Alice bit her lip, 'I think you panicked. You needed some time to think. And I think the only way you thought you could do that was to break up with him.' Her response was measured, it was clear that she had thought about this.

'Yeah,' agreed Lily vaguely teary, 'I just feel like, the more time I spend with him the more it feels like I made a mistake.'

'Do you want to get back together?' Alice asked her tentatively.

'I think we both know it's not up to me anymore, is it?'

'If it's meant to happen, it'll happen.'

Lily really needed to stop fucking crying. 'You're always right Alice.'

'I know.' She whispered sadly.

* * *

 _(Watching through my fingers)_

* * *

Needless to say, Lily and Marlene began organising Alice's engagement party immediately. They spent hours planning every detail only to realise that, as Frank hadn't proposed yet, they needed to delay it until he did. When Frank finally got up the courage to pop the question, Lily and Marlene was so prepared the party was only a week and half later.

'You know it's the day after Hallowe'en right? And a Sunday?' James asked her when she invited him.

'I know and I expect you all to be there anyway.'

'Everyone is going to be hung over,' James informed her.

'Not if I have anything to say about it.'

'How are you going to stop them?'

'Anyone who turns up hungover or drunk doesn't get cake,' she said grimly.

James whistled through his teeth. 'Harsh. I hope it's worth it.'

'It's going to be the best damn cake in London.' Lily hoped she sounded more confident than she actually was. She and Marlene had decided that the cake was undoubtedly the most important feature but they were yet to make their minds on a flavour or type.

'You better start tasting those cakes now, Evans.'

'Why do you think you're here, Potter?' Lily chuckled at how quickly his face lit up.

They ended up going to three different shops, gorging themselves on all the cakes they had to offer. James, ever picky about his cake, was actually able to tell the difference between the three different types of chocolate they tried. They eventually decided on a three tiered lemon, orange and cherry cake with buttercream icing. James insisted on paying, saying that this was Alice and Frank's engagement present from him. He also agreed to spread the word about the hungover rule and promised to not get too drunk on Hallowe'en.

The whole afternoon, Lily steadfastly ignored the steady thrumming of her heart, carefully avoiding looking at James' mouth as he licked his fork.

* * *

A few days before the engagement party was scheduled, Lily received an unexpected call from her mother. Lily and her mother usually talked on the phone for precisely thirty minutes every other Sunday. It was a system they had followed for years, and was considerably more than they had talked when Lily was at home.

Mrs Evans was beautiful, as striking in her late forties as a teenager. She had trained at the Royal Ballet Company until she was twenty-three and that grace had remained with her. After being forced to retire from her career as a dancer after she had broken her ankle, she had married Lily's father, moved to Cokeworth and had two daughters.

The eldest, Petunia, was very much like her; bordering on fussy, at one point a promising dancer and eager to settle down and have children. Her other daughter however, she had never really understood. Lily had gathered from a young age that running about in the woods and playing with 'that Snape boy' from down the road was frowned upon by her mother. Naturally Lily grew closer to her Dad, who didn't seem to mind adventuring with her or that she dreamt of going to university or that she often got mud all on her clothes. Lily's relationship with her mother had been functioning if not close until Lily's dad's death when she was fifteen, after which Mrs Evans had decided that this was the moment to intervene and shape Lily into the gracious and unassuming house-wife she was destined to be. Lily had had other ideas.

Lily had eventually managed to convince her mother to let her go to university (mostly by sending the applications without her knowing) and their relationship had improved somewhat with a little distance. It helped that Lily's departure had coincided with her sister's budding courtship with Vernon Dursley. (It helped that Lily rarely went home).

This was all present in Lily's mind when she answered the phone, late on Thursday evening.

'Mum?' Lily asked doubtfully.

'Lily. How are you?' Somehow Mrs Evans always managed to sound like she knew the last awful thing you'd thought and was _incredibly_ disappointed in you. Maybe it was just that she had managed to maintain her classic English accent rather than accept the Northern brogue.

'Good,' Lily replied instinctively, 'and you?'

'Very well, thank you.'

'And Petunia?' (Although Lily had fairly regular, if impersonal, calls with her mother, her calls to her sister were non-existent. They communicated solely through their mother.)

'Lovely as always. Sorry to call so out of the blue, I just wanted to double check some wedding plans. What colour did you say your dress was?'

'Blue.'

'Not dark blue I hope.'

'Eggshell blue.'

'Lovely.' She said briskly. 'Otherwise it might clash with the bridesmaid dresses.

'That _is_ what you told me about the first dress I picked.'

'Hmm, you're arriving late next Saturday?'

'Yes, I'll get the train up.'

'Excellent. And your plus one?'

'What?'

'Your plus-one. How are they getting there?'

Shit. _Shit._ This couldn't be happening. When Lily had received the (ridiculously early) invitation at the beginning of January, she had asked James to come with her, to help her try and relieve some of the inevitable tension around the wedding. It was one of the things that had added to Lily's increasing anxiety about them. That she had asked and he had agreed so easily to attend a wedding for nearly a year later.

'I thought I told you he couldn't make it?' Lily clenched her free hand, praying silently.

'No,' said Mrs Evans severely, 'you didn't.'

'Didn't I?' asked Lily weakly.

'I think I would have noted it.' There was the tone that Lily remembered so well, sharp enough to cut glass. 'Lily, for your sister's sake, tell me you don't want to ruin your sister's seating plan. We needed to cut out old Uncle Bernard for the plus one you insisted on.'

'No. No, of course not, I'll find someone.'

'I'll need their name.' Lily could almost _see_ her mother locking her jaw and it occurred to her sadly that her mother hadn't thought to ask who Lily was bringing to her sister's wedding for nearly nine months.

'Now?'

'Yes. For the place holders.'

'Right. Right… Their name is…'

Lily's mother seethed on the end of the line.

'Their _name…'_ Lily scanned the apartment, feeling panicked, finally catching sight of her bookshelf.

'Lily.'

'Edward Darcy.'

'Lovely.' Her mother sounded appeased. 'Well, I won't keep you much longer.'

Lily made an affirmative sound, shutting her eyes.

'I look forward to seeing you next week, Lily.' Like always, Lily tried to believe that this time her mother really meant it. 'And Mr Darcy as well.' If her mother was suspicious by the name, Lily couldn't tell.

'He's looking forward to it too. See you then.' Lily rang off and slid to the floor.

 _Fuck._

* * *

'I reckon Alice could pull it off,' Marlene deliberated to Lily, 'With enough make-up.'

Lily groaned. 'What have I _done_.'

'What you always do,' said Marlene calmly, 'Panic.'

They were at Alice's engagement party, perched on the sofa of their flat, watching Alice open presents. As most of the guests had only been given a week and a half's notice, many of these were fairly eclectic. Everyone watched as Alice opened what appeared to be a broken egg whisk.

'How does she always manage to look pleased and grateful with rubbish presents?' asked Marlene wonderingly.

'That's just Alice,' said Lily, 'I once accidently pushed her into a pond and she thanked me because it was 'refreshing'.' Alice hugged an uncomfortable Edgar Bones, gushing over the whisk like it was a priceless painting. 'Let's just make sure she gets amazing wedding gifts, yeah?'

Marlene murmured in agreement. 'Back to the problem at hand, I still think Alice could work. She's got shorter hair than me anyway.' Marlene tugged at her shoulder-length blonde plaits.

'Petunia dislikes me enough. I don't want to turn up to her wedding with Alice in drag.' Lily sighed. 'I reckon it'll have to be an actual bloke.'

'What about Lupin?' Marlene asked, 'He'll probably think it's a laugh.'

'He's visiting his mum next weekend.' And then in response to Marlene's curious look, Lily admitted 'I already texted him.'

'What about Rahul?' Marlene gestured to their mutual friend. 'Or Jack?'

'I need someone who's vaguely good at acting and knows my family.'

'Being picky will get you nowhere, ginger.'

Lily was struck with a solution. 'Actually, I think I've got it.'

Lily strode over to where Frank was leaning in the corner chatting to Peter.

'Can I have a word with the man of the hour?' she asked Peter, who kindly went to join Sirius by the drinks.

'Thanks for doing this by the way,' Frank said sincerely, 'I know Alice is loving it. And that cake looks _amazing_.'

'It was the least I could do,' Lily assured him, 'but if it's not too much, I could use a favour in return.'

Lily explained the situation to him and tried to ignore his various amused snorts.

'It's not funny.' She ended with impatiently.

'No, I mean, yes it's fucking hilarious. But I am sorry you're stuck in this situation.' Frank at least attempted to look sympathetic. 'I'm also really sorry, but I can't. I'm working overtime all next weekend. I have feeling this wedding is going to clear us out.'

'Shit.' There went that idea.

'Sorry Lily.' This time Frank actually did look apologetic.

'Don't worry about it.' Lily tried to muster a smile, but had a feeling it came out more as a grimace. 'I'll think of something.'

Frank patted her shoulder reassuringly and was called over to join Alice.

('It's your engagement too, Frank!'

'Finally the recognition I deserve!' he joked.)

Lily leant back against the wall and weighed her options. She could turn up without anyone and risk her mother's wrath, she could try and find _someone_ she trusted who was free next weekend or there was always Alice…

She didn't notice James had joined her until he started speaking.

'Turned out to be a good one, Evans. Just enough alcohol and cake that people can forget that they're old enough for their friends to get engaged.'

'That's what I was going for,' she quipped.

'I heard you were in a bit of a situation.'

'Yeah?' she asked warily.

'Yeah, Longbottom mentioned something on his way over.' James said, gesturing to Frank who was currently trying to help Alice unwrap a very long and brightly wrapped gift.

'That's from Wormtail,' James told her, wincing, 'He got her a broom.'

Lily groaned.

'Nah, it's alright,' James promised her, 'I'll make sure the wedding gift is phenomenal.'

'You better.'

'So. It's finally your sister's wedding.' James hesitated. 'I know this is the opposite of taking it slow but. I feel bad, and I know how you feel about your mother and, if you need me, I'm free next weekend.'

Lily bit the inside of her cheek. 'James,' she started and then wasn't sure how to continue. 'Thank you,' she decided on, 'but-'

'No pressure, okay? Text me, if you need my help.'

'Okay,' Lily conceded, 'Thanks.'

James shrugged. 'Now how long do you think before Alice encounters a present she can't be gracious about?'

' _Clearly_ you don't know Alice well enough. She'd have to get a human finger to be anything less than perfectly courteous.'

' _Clearly_ you don't know what Moony got her.'

Lily turned back to watch as Alice thanked Peter for the old broom, hugging him tightly.

'Unless it's body parts, I'm not interested.' Lily sipped her drink, 'What did Sirius you get her?'

Lily did not notice James wasn't leaning next to her until she turned to ask him again. Her stomach tightened, she sipped her drink again, and decided to go see what Benjy was up to next weekend.

* * *

 _(Caught off guard by your favourite song)_

* * *

There were a few of explanations Lily could give for how she ended up on a train to Cokeworth sitting opposite James Potter.

(- The first, another unexpected call from her mother:

'So, Edward Darcy.' Lily wondered if her mum could feel her nervousness, a hundred miles away. 'How's he getting here?'

'Train?' Lily offered, 'We're taking it together?'

'And where did you meet?'

'Uni.'

'What does he do?'

'Um, accounting.'

'Any allergies?'

'Nope. How's Petunia?' Lily clutched the phone to her ear and hoped the subject change would work.

'Good, I _am_ looking forward to meeting him, Lily.'

'Me too.' Lily could feel sweat beading on her forehead, she loathed lying to her mother.

'Well. Only a couple of days now!'

\- The second, Alice's feminine face:

Lily paced around the living room.

'I think my wig's coming off,' Alice remarked.

'It's not!' insisted Marlene, mumbling over the bobby pins she had in her mouth, 'Just stay still.'

Alice sighed and wriggled in her chair.

'These trousers feel weird.'

'They're the best we could do on short notice,' Lily said despairingly, 'Mar, this isn't working.'

Alice pulled at her shirt. 'Is this really what men's shirt's feel like?' she marvelled, and then peered downwards, 'Are you sure you can't see my boobs?'

'Yes!' exclaimed Marlene, whilst Lily looked on doubtfully.

Marlene pushed in the final pin and then stepped back to survey her handiwork. She bit her lip.

'Okay so maybe this won't work,' Marlene admitted, and Lily fell face first on to the sofa groaning.

\- The third, persisting sentimentality:

Lily examined the picture beside her. She had been digging through a box of old photographs and came upon an old one of her and Petunia. They had their arms draped around each other and were both smiling at the camera. Lily must have been about five or six; several teeth were missing and one knee was scraped. It was taken back when they were inseparable. Lily fished out another one. It was of Petunia, maybe eight or nine, dressed in a cream night gown, posing for the camera. She was holding a bouquet of daisies. Lily remembered the endless, _endless,_ fake weddings they used to stage, and how Petunia would throw herself into every one.

Lily reached for her phone.

 **To: James**

 **00:47:** You still free this weekend?)

'Do you want the window seat?' James offered but Lily shook her head. He deposited their luggage in the hold above them and sat down. Lily breathed deeply and sat next to him.

They sat in silence for the first thirty minutes, James looking out the window and Lily trying to get through her assigned reading. Eventually James produced a pack of cards and they ended up playing Bullshit, Spit, Snap, anything. Anything to avoid addressing the weird tension between them.

It was odd, Lily reflected, how rebuilding a relationship seemed to come it fits and starts. One minute they were jokingly feeding cake to each, watching Disney movies until dawn, and the next they were stiff around each other, unable to think of anything to say. It was like taking one step forward and then three steps back.

Lily knew she should thank James for agreeing to come with her, for pretending to be Edward Darcy and putting up with her family, but the words curdled in her stomach. She snuck a look at him as he contemplated the cards in his hand. She wanted to ask why he was doing this for her but suspected she wasn't ready to hear the answer.

It wasn't just him keeping her trapped in her thoughts. As the town and cities gradually gave way to countryside she was caught up in memories of Cokeworth. The last time she had been back was for Christmas and it had been for less than four days. Lily refused to think of it as home, she had built her home in London and it had taken everything she had. It didn't mean that there wasn't a connection to the place where she had grown up.

They arrived late, checked into the hotel and got ready for bed in relative silence. Whilst James seemed to drift off almost immediately, Lily laid awake for what seemed like hours, her brain running through every scenario. She tossed and turned, imagining seeing her sister and mother again, not to mention Vernon ' _I don't care much for stubborn women_ ' Dursley or the rest of their family. Lily sat up and stared for a few minutes at James sleeping on the air mattress, surprised as always by how young he looked without glasses. Lily smiled, lying back down. In spite of everything, she was glad to have him here.

The wedding was beautiful: classy, timeless and utterly emotionless. Lily kept this last thought to herself as she chatted absentmindedly with a distant cousin. She watched her mother on the other side of the hotel ballroom conversing with Vernon's brother; she was almost shining with delight.

Lily's conversation ended and she sidled over to James who was admiring the array of finger sandwiches. Her heart throbbed just a little as she took in his appearance once again.

(You look… good.' Lily had been sure James could her gulping. But he had looked just as dumbfounded as she had felt.

'Yeah,' he had stammered, 'you too.')

Now he had loosened the tie around his neck and removed his jacket, draping it over his arm instead.

'Hey,' he said warmly when he noticed her, 'Look at this. Cucumber, salmon, cucumber _and_ salmon, stilton, tuna, pate. It goes on and on! I don't think I've ever seen this many sandwiches in my life.'

'That's Petunia for you, I think she's been planning this day since she was five.'

'The ceremony was,' James hesitated, 'nice.'

'But completely impersonal?' Lily guessed.

' _Yes_ ,' said James thankfully, 'It was like every detail was straight out of a wedding magazine, beautiful but sterile.' James gestured to the ballroom. There were shimmering lights everywhere, cream tablecloths and roses on all the tables. 'Nothing really says that this is _their_ wedding.'

'I didn't know you were such an expert,' remarked Lily sarcastically.

James chuckled, 'I went to a lot of weddings growing up, some of that enthusiasm had to rub off.'

He carefully placed two sandwiches on his plates and moved on to contemplate the selection of fruit.

'When I get married,' he continued, 'it's going to be one big party. No strict dress code, no fancy food, just friends and booze and celebration.'

Lily's breath caught at his carefree description. It was protocol to not invite ex's to your wedding, wasn't it? She took a moment to wallow in the realisation that no matter how extraordinary James Potter's wedding was likely to be, she almost certainly wasn't going to be there to witness it. Even if she was invited, the thought of going as an awkward guest was enough to make her feel sick. Lily shook herself mentally, _enough_ of this nonsense.

'When I get married,' she said after only a very slight pause, 'I'm going to spend all the money on the food, cake especially.'

'And then eat it all yourself.'

'Obviously.' They grinned.

'When _I_ get married,' James plonked some pineapple on his plate, 'I'm going to convince The Rolling Stones to play at the reception.'

'How?'

'With my manly wiles.'

'When _I_ get married, I'm going to get The Kinks to play.'

'Aren't they dead?'

'Not yet.'

'What about by the time you get married?'

'What are you insinuating, Potter?'

'Nothing. When _I_ get married-'

A cough cut through his words. They both spun around.

'Mum!' Lily exclaimed, trying her absolute best to sound thrilled and not like she'd just been jump-scared.

'Lily.' Her mum was wearing a small smile, softer than Lily could remember it usually being. 'This must be Mr Darcy.'

Lily could see James try not to giggle and nudged him subtly with her elbow.

'That's me,' he said, 'Lovely wedding Mrs Evans.'

'Thank you. But you should really be congratulating Petunia, she did most of the work.'

'We have,' said Lily truthfully, 'she was really glowing today wasn't she?'

She really had been, Lily would easily admit. She had honestly looked frighteningly happy and despite everything, Lily really hoped her marriage was everything she wanted. They had exchanged a few words after the ceremony and although both had been perfectly pleasant it had really only served to cement one thing. They didn't have anything to say to each other anymore.

'She did look beautiful,' Lily's mother agreed, 'she's always been such a pretty girl.'

'It must run in the family,' James interjected, trying in vain to work his usual charm.

'So. Mr Darcy, Lily tells me you work in accounting?'

'Please, call me Ed. I do, it's really a fascinating subject and I'm sure you'll agree, vital in today's economy.'

James was having way too much fun.

'Tell me, Edward, are you any relation to Lord Darcy, of Nottingham?'

'Er, no, I don't think so.'

Lily's mother pursed her lips, 'That's such a shame, he is a truly wonderful man.'

Not to mention rich.

'I'm sure,' said James uncomfortably.

The irony didn't escape Lily that her mother _had_ heard of the Potter's and would probably combust if she knew she was talking to their son and heir.

'Oh look, that's the McDonnell's, I must say hello!' exclaimed Mrs Evans and then quickly added, 'Lily, you're not coming home for Christmas, are you?'

'I mean,' said a startled Lily, 'not if you don't want me to?'

'It's only that I'm staying with Petunia this year, and they only have the two rooms…' Lily's mother trailed off.

Lily swallowed, 'No it's fine, I'll stay in London.'

'Excellent. You look well, Lily,' there was a melancholy edge to her voice, softening the rough edges of her Southern accent, 'your Dad would have been proud.'

'Thanks,' Lily whispered.

Mrs Evans smiled sadly at her and then turned to weave through the crowd.

James arm was around her before she realised, squeezing her shoulder comfortingly. 'Let's get some cake, yeah?' he said, guiding her towards the three-tiered blue and white concoction.

They passed the rest of the wedding in relatively good spirits, and if James noticed that Lily drank more after the conversation with her mother than before, he didn't say anything. They spent most of their time downing champagne and making up an increasingly elaborate backstory for Edward Darcy. So far it was established he was orphaned, prophesised and an undercover spy.

('Spying for whom?' asked Lily, giggling.

'Her majesty, of course.' James began to loudly hum the James Bond theme tune, drawing looks from all around.)

Eventually they left, walking the short distance to their hotel. The brisk cold air quickly sobered Lily up and she shivered, wishing she'd brought a thicker coat. Her high heels pinched so badly James ended up giving her a piggy back for the final stretch.

When they got to their room, James insisted on turning on the radio, muttering something about football scores. Instead of football commentary, Lily heard the opening to a familiar tune.

'This was my dad's favourite song!' she cried happily.

'Really? The Beatles? How old _was_ he?'

Lily shushed him good-naturedly, 'They played this song at my parent's wedding.'

James smiled at her and then held out his hand. 'Come on then.'

'What?' asked Lily, taken aback.

'It was his favourite song, right? So let's dance.'

 _Eight Days a Week_ wasn't the best song to slow dance to, but James made it work, holding Lily's waist carefully. Lily kept her breathing even and avoided looking directly at his face. They swayed like that for a bit, even managing to execute a half decent twirl.

'I _never_ dance,' admitted Lily breathlessly.

'I know. You should do it more often.' His face was half covered in shadow, making it difficult to read his expression.

'Maybe I just needed the right circumstances,' she said.

'What, The Beatles?'

 _You_ , thought Lily.

'Champagne,' said Lily.

The song ended segueing into an old Fleetwood Mac ballad. They stopped dancing but kept their hold on each other. She could feel his breathing in time with her own and met his gaze. They stood like that for several long minutes, neither of them saying anything, like they could feel the fragility of the moment.

'Evans,' said James quietly, finally moving away. She felt his absence like an ache. 'I'm not sure what we're doing.' He pushed a hand through his hair and she felt the urge to do the same. He sounded fraught, broken, 'What are we doing?'

Lily sat heavily on the edge of the bed. She pulled her knees up, hugging them. She tried to feel impenetrable. 'I'm not sure.'

'We shouldn't though. Right?' He sounded so vulnerable.

It hit Lily in that moment. Like a lightning strike, a freight train, _every single_ cliché applied. Because whatever it was they were doing, she wanted to. She wanted to do everything with James. Every moment from the last nine months flashed before her, Ben Fenwick's party, Remus in the library and Sirius smoking, Alice and Marlene despairing over the situation. And James, always James. She stared at him standing by the window, illuminated by the soft moonlight.

'I have to say something.' Lily spoke without thinking, without considering. She immediately felt her heart in her throat, pounding away. She clenched her jaw, trying to gather courage.

'I don't want to hear it.' His voice was flat, harsh.

'I need to tell you.'

'I don't want to know.'

'James-'

'I know what you're going to say and I can't hear it right now!' He was almost yelling in his palpable anguish.

Lily swallowed, trying to keep her nerves under control, 'I _really_ don't think you do.'

'I shouldn't have come,' he sounded desperate, burying his face in his hands, 'I knew it was a mistake, you just – you make me irrational, Evans. But please don't push me away again.'

'James, I love you.'

It was like everything stopped. James froze, his bewilderment clear. Lily sucked in as much air as she could, fear instinctively kicking in. She shouldn't have said anything.

'What?' It was a tentative sound, confused and soft.

'I love you, James. I'm _in_ love with you. And I – I tried so hard not to be, I'm so sorry.'

'What?' It was louder this time, disbelieving.

'I'm sorry I didn't know this in January, I'm sorry that I'm _ruining_ everything. And I know you're basically over me, I just, _I love you_.'

'You love me?' It devastated her, that question, wrecked her completely.

'Yes.' She whispered, scrunching her eyes shut, trying to fathom how she had misread the situation so completely. She had thought, no, she had hoped some part of James still cared for her. Lily had imagined in her wildest daydreams that he still loved her, that she hadn't missed her opportunity. That this time they could make it work. But by the sounds of it she had obliterated whatever peace they had established.

She opened her eyes. James was still standing but the most incredible smile had taken over his face. He strode over and kneeled before her. He cradled her face in his hands, his eyes shining.

'Lily,' he said. And then he kissed her.

Lily had been _sure_ she had romanticised the intensity of kissing James but she hadn't. She _really_ hadn't. He kissed her like this was the last time he would get the chance, like he had spent the last nine months dreaming about it. Lily responded just as passionately, threading her hands through his hair. It was a good thing she was already sitting because her legs were reduced to jelly already. After an indefinite time they broke apart and James pressed his forehead to hers.

'Say it again.'

Lily thought about asking for the magic word but she didn't have the heart.

'I love you,' she confessed.

This time he kissed her more softly, luxuriously taking his time and delicately leant her back onto the bed.

'You're not drunk, are you?' He was laughing, but she could detect a hint of worry that made her respond more gently than if she hadn't heard it.

'Not anymore. You?'

'No. I hate to – kill the mood or whatever, but I need to know –'

'What's changed from January?'

'Exactly.' James huffed a laugh.

'I don't know, I just. I think I could manage without you,' Lily said, trying to measure her words but flushing under his adoring gaze, 'but I realised that I don't want to. I don't want to ever be without you.'

'Never again.' He promised.

When they kissed, Lily felt that familiar tug in her gut stronger than ever. They were almost frantic with desire, Lily scrabbled against James shirt buttons, not quite able to form the concentration needed to undo them. James eventually pulled back, breathing heavily, his eyes dark.

'I need to tell you something.'

'Can it wait?' Lily asked impatiently, taking this opportunity to lift her dress off over her head.

'Fuck, Evans.' James swore at the sight of her, his hands moving to touch her like he couldn't help it. He took an unsteady breath. 'I love you.'

'I know.'

'Did you just-' James kissed her stomach, laughing. 'Did you just Han Solo me?'

'I Princess Leia'd you,' Lily corrected.

' _God_ , I love you.' The reverence in his tone took her breath away. She felt weightless with happiness, ecstatic with her incredible luck.

'I love you too.'

They whispered it to each other, over and over, until it seemed to fill the room to the bursting, as if to shout it to the world.

Look at these two idiots in love.

As Lily was finally drifting off, with the first few sun rays lighting the room and with James' arms firmly wrapped around her, she struggled to remember a time when she had ever felt this content. She kissed him tenderly on the forehead before closing her eyes, huddling closer towards his warmth.

That night Lily dreamt of the future. Of a mishmash wedding, with Sirius' best man speech filled with puns and embarrassing anecdotes. She dreamt of their future house, filled with light and flowers and (for some reason) dinosaurs. According to her subconscious, her future was filled with laughter and friends and cake, and most of all, _him_.

She hadn't slept so well in years.

* * *

 _(Burning bright until the end)_

* * *

The Christmas tree blinded Lily as she switched on the lights one cold evening. Marlene, Alice and her had decorated it two weeks ago and managed to muck up the lights so they were permanently stuck on the brightest level. In the kitchen, Marlene threw up her hand to shield her eyes.

'I cannot wait until we can get rid of that thing,' she mumbled, eyeing the tree with distaste.

'Don't be such a Grinch,' Lily told her, carefully avoiding directly looking at their ugly tree as she crawled out from underneath. None of their decorations had matched, so the tree was covered in clashing colours and odd shapes. 'Merry Christmas Eve!'

Marlene shook her head in disgust and cut herself a thick slice of Christmas cake.

The doorbell rang and Lily smiled immediately, leaping over to answer it.

'You're like fucking Pavlov's dog,' Marlene told her disapprovingly.

'Suck it, McKinnon.' Lily flung open the door a little breathless. 'Hey.'

'Hi.'

James stood in the doorway, hands in his pockets and lopsided smile on his face. He kissed her quickly before entering the flat and quickly shutting his eyes.

'Damn it, that tree gets me every time.'

Lily pulled him towards her again, kissing him slower and deeper, trying to memorise the feeling.

'Hi,' she whispered when they broke away.

'You two are disgusting,' called Marlene from the kitchen, 'I cannot believe Alice and I wanted you to get back together so badly.'

Lily and James ignored her, making their way to the sofa. Instinctively, Lily tucked her head against his chest and James began to rub slow circles against her arm.

In the month since Petunia's wedding, the feeling of contentment had not left Lily. Although Alice had warned her of getting sucked up in the excitement of the honey-moon period, Lily had faith that the happiness at least, was here to stay. Her heart still thumped every time he kissed her and sometimes his smile left her dizzy. There was no lingering anxiety or pressure; this time Lily was all in, even though sometimes still terrified her. Lily knew what it was to live without James and she didn't want to experience it ever again.

'Right,' Marlene mumbled chewing on her final bit of cake. 'I'm meeting Alice and Frank and then we're going to Eddie's party. You two coming?'

'Nah,' said James, 'I think we're going to stay in.'

'Suit yourself.' Marlene shrugged and called over her shoulder, 'Merry Christmas Eve!'

'I knew you had it in you!'

Marlene flipped Lily off and slammed the door shut.

'Right. On to Die Hard?'

'I was thinking we could compromise and watch Love Actually tonight and Die Hard tomorrow. I know how grumpy you get if you don't have your Emma Thompson fix before Christmas,' Lily teased.

'Love Actually is a modern classic!' James protested laughing and Lily drank it in, relishing in the feeling of it vibrating against her.

'If you say so,' she conceded.

'Do you want me to put it in?' James offered.

'That's what she said,' Lily snorted, giggling.

James shook his head, grinning, 'You are my absolute favourite,' he said sincerely.

'I love you,' she told him.

Lily didn't think she would ever get tired of James reaction to her saying that, the way his whole face lit up in response. He kissed her instead of answering, until she was breathless, until she was melting, until she was burning.

'You know,' his voice was low and rough and his glasses were askew, 'we don't _have_ to watch a film.'

'I like your thinking, Mr Darcy.'

James groaned, pushing his face into her neck.

'Please don't enforce your literary fetish on me.'

'Too late,' Lily said sunnily.

He lifted his face to look at her, their faces centimetres apart. His eyes searched hers.

'What are you thinking?' she asked him, curious.

'About what bra you're wearing.' James chuckled as she knocked his shoulder. 'Rude.'

'What are you actually thinking?'

'Just about how happy I am.'

'You're _such_ a _sap_.'

'You love it.'

'I do,' she grinned, 'I really, really do.'

* * *

 _(Now stop worrying and go get dressed)_

* * *

 **A/N:** Well, it's been a while. Most of my stuff is now on AO3 under the same name if you're at all interested. I changed the location of Cokeworth, mostly because I love the idea of Lily with a Northern accent.

The title and lyrics for this come from Good Grief by Bastille. This fic owes a lot to that song as well as dodie's cover of Somebody Else by the 1975 and Please Don't Say You Love Me by Gabrielle Aplin. Any corrections/feedback welcome!


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